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(Image Source: Flickr)
So you’ve survived a nuclear war, zombie apocalypse, or alien invasion, and after securing the food, water and shelter necessary, you are now on the look out for another singleton with whom you can repopulate the planet.
But before you log-on to your free online dating account, or begin trawling through the lonely hearts column, read these important tips on dating in a post apocalyptic world.
Where once you would have sought a good sense of humour, sparkling white teeth, and a scrumptious looking bottom, it’s time to focus on different features in your future mate. Firstly they need to be physically fit enough to take on major construction challenges, and fight off the population of bad guys currently chewing their way through the last remaining humans. Sure Will Smith looked buff in I Am Legend, and Mireille Enos rocked the apocalypse survivor look in World War Z, but this is real-life, not the movies, and most of the singletons left alive are unlikely to be model material. It’s time you got less picky, and focused on beating the baddies, while simultaneously securing your survival, and renewing the human race.
Safe dating used to mean meeting up in a public place, and never accepting a lift from strangers. Now staying safe involves a little more reconnaissance. Once you have selected a prospective mate, spend a number of hours, or possible days observing their behaviour, to ensure they are not: infected with a deadly rabies virus; an alien; or a zombie. When you are convinced they are 100% human, be aware that they may choose to attack you on sight as a reflex to their current end-of-the-world circumstances.
Now is not the time to relax, get to know each other, and ‘see where this thing goes’. If one of you has their heart set on a trek across the country to find other survivors, while the other wants to accept the new world, rebuild and start a family, your relationship has no future, and it’s best you come to terms with your different goals then move on.
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In the old world it was fine for opposites to attract, with each person in the relationship contributing something different. Now your survival depends on your similarities. If you can run fast, your partner needs to run fast, otherwise you will be faced with a dilemma of whether to carry them, or leave them to be eaten. If you like noodles, your partner needs to like noodles, as they’ll be no time for arguments about which restaurant you should be looting tonight.
Of course, there’s no rush to find a partner now and settle down. Somewhere out there is a corner of the world where the remaining humans are flocking towards (Stephen King told us so in The Stand). Travelling solo will be quicker, and once you arrive you will have a larger selection of singles to choose from than you will have encountered back in your apocalypse ravaged home town. And with any luck, the head of that Utopia will have already established some sanitation, so upon arrival you can have a good wash and scrub up to get yourself looking dapper.
It isn’t all doom and gloom. There are many benefits to pursuing love in a post-apocalyptic world. They’ll be no long chats into the night about what colour to paint the lounge, and you’ll never waste another weekend in Ikea. Your competition from people of the same sex just reduced by about 90%, and the standards expected from a loving partner will have slipped somewhat.
So welcome to the new world, and enjoy your search for love.