(Image Source: Nina Matthews)
But thanks to scientific studies we can now debunk this myth. In fact, evidence shows that relationships work best when both parties have complementary rather than opposing personalities.
So did the 1980s pop sensation get it completely wrong, or is there a little truth hidden within her catchy lyrics? We take a look at some of the latest psychological studies to find out.
A study by the University of Groningen in The Netherlands discovered what Mel Gibson could not: what women want. When looking for a partner, women use themselves as a benchmark, then seek out a mate who is less neurotic, more conscientious and more extroverted than themselves. Note the seemingly impossible task of being both ‘less neurotic’ and ‘more conscientious’. If you are a man who is able to care about the finer details of everything, but in a laid back way, you’ve got it made. Science has successfully uncovered what women want, but it’s nearly impossible to achieve.
The same study found that both men and women preferred partners who had a complementary rather than a similar personality. So while a single woman who’s a little lackadaisical might be seeking a man with drive and ambition, that same driven ambitious male, is searching for a laid-back lady to calm him down a little.
To a certain extent, the idea of complementary personalities does sound like opposites attracting. However, the relationship will only work if there are a few complementary differences in personalities, rather than each person occupying different ends of the spectrum for every personality trait. Think of a relationship as a carefully balanced recipe. A little sweetness to offset sour flavours tastes great if all the other ingredients work together, but if the chef just throws in random opposite flavours, the dish will be a disaster.
A study conducted by Columbia University’s public health department into the relationships of 723 men and women, found successful relationships were based on a balance between similarities and differences. The study for the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin assessed relationships for intimacy and satisfaction against how similar the partners were in terms of personality. Couples reported the strongest relationships when they were neither very similar or very different, but were, like baby bear’s porridge, just right.
According to lead author of the report, Professor David Frost, there is no ideal degree of closeness, so long as both parties are happy with how close they feel then the relationship can succeed: “It’s not how close you feel that matters most, it’s whether you are as close as you want to be”, he said. Not only do you need to have a balance of similarities and differences, you both need to be happy with the extent you are similar and different. So opposites can attract, as long as you are both comfortable with the extent to which you are different.
When browsing through profiles on a free dating site, consider breaking away from your usual type, if they tend to be too similar to yourself, and look up singles who have something a little different to bring to your relationship.
Also consider common interest dating sites, where you can find singles that share similar interests to you to bring a degree of closeness to the relationship. Once you have the foundation of a shared interest to work from, it will be easier to warm towards singles with different personality traits to your own.